A Speech to My Dad

To those of you who have been following my blog for a while I will say ahead of time that this one will be very different.


My father and I have been estranged for many years. The whys and wherefores are no longer important. Everyone in my family that I've spoken with in the last few days has asked the same question and it's time to tell the straight truth, at least as I see it, and we all know that I over analyze everything.

So Dad...This one is for you.

My whole life i tried to be everything that everyone wanted me to be. I'm stupid about trying to do the right thing, even if it kills me. All I ever wanted was your approval, and mom's, of course, but we all know that was never going to happen. We all loved her but I think that she never believed it. I don't think she thought she deserved to be happy. Sadly we could never convince her otherwise.

I left you, Dad and all I'd ever known because I was told to. And here's the stupid part, I'm just as hard headed as you are. Once, when I was small, you told me not to cause trouble between grown ups because kids could fight and kiss and make up and go play some more, but grown ups never made up...I never forgot that. Here's what the family never thought of....when the fight came down, I may have been the only grown up in the room, even tho we were ALL there. I remember asking, 'Are you SURE you want to say this to me of all people?' But it just kept on and I walked. I was told to leave and not come back, so that's what I did. And I'm stubborn. And I'm determined. And I wish now that I wasn't quite as much ME as I am.

Here's some more truth. When I left I stepped off into a whole other world. After a while I found that I didn't even speak the same language as the rest. Truckdriverese should have it's own dictionary. There is one focus, 'don't be late with the freight.' There is no life but the truck and your company and the next load and I had a talent for keeping my focus right where the company needed me to. It was the perfect escape and it makes us emotionally lazy. Is there something you don't want to deal with at home? Work until it goes away, and it will go away, one way or the other.

And here's yet, still, some more truth. All of those years that I went coast to coast and border to border, I looked for a man just like my Dad. Oh, I met literally thousands of men, even got to know a few, made a lot of friends. They never could figure out why they couldn't get close. The answer is both proud and embarrassing. There was not one single damn man out there who could measure up to my Dad.

I have told Dad stories to thousands, and even tho we didn't talk in all those years, I always loved you, it always showed, and you are famous.